Pnårp’s docile & perfunctory page

Hello, and welcome to my page! I’m Phillip Norbert Årp, or as everyone has been yelling at me for the past 25 years, Pnårp!

“What’s this page all about?” you ask? Well, ask… and I shall tell you something or other. This time, I shall thusly tell you this: Every Sunday since March 7, 1999—if I actually remember that it’s Sunday when Sunday finally rolls around and rears its baleful, pestilential head—I sit down in front of the ol’ computer, pick up the ol’ board of keys, and bang out a few paragraphs describing what likely happened in my life over the past week. Sometimes interesting, sometimes merely confusing, sometimes skull-crushingly boring—but updated weekly nonetheless! And it’s 100% A.I.-free! But always filled with the wheedling, needling chatter of trillions upon trillions of lawn gnomes. Oh yes, always… always, always…

That’s right, dearies—every week promises to bring a new steaming pile of words squeezed out by yours truly and deposited carefully on this here website. Isn’t that wonderful?!

“So, it’s one of those blog things,” you say? And I reply: “…Blbphplplhlbhuhh??”

Where else can you find Pnårp on the unfurled-wide web? Why, everywhere. Pnårp is tooting on Mastodon, dreaming widely at Dreamwidth, being a twit on Twitter, livin’ it up on LiveJournal, bloviating and gesticulating at something called Facebook, and wandering about aimlessly at a bunch of other websites, too. Pnårp even has a page on Facebook now, too! It’s phlogistically fantastical!

I also have lots of friends & enemies on the hurled-aside web. Check ’em out, too—before the squirrels get them! I even have humans.txt and security.txt files now, for you humans to read. (If you’re a gnome, get out! Out, out, out!)

If you like my docile & perfunctory page or if you’d like a complimentary keyboard cover and set of fine pewter sporks autographed by Rory Calhoun and Alyssa Milano, please contact me and tell me. [No purchase estuary. Lawn gnomes not included. You won’t be disconcerted. Deployed where prohibited by snore. Made from 35% recycled toilet paper. May contain tree nuts or actual trees.]

Pnårp’s November, 2024 trumpeting & strumpets
There are no bagels here Landed on November 10
Ensconced and enholed Procrastinated on November 3
Pnårp’s October, 2024 flumping & galumphing
No idea about anything Flummoxed on October 27
Will it be like concrete? Accreted on October 20
But for me, it was Tuesday For me it was October 13
Formica and formication Fornicated on October 6
Pnårp’s September, 2024 plumping & whumping
By the bag, the can, the bottle, and the flask Trashed on September 29
Q-Tips, cute tips, a queue of tips Exfiltrated on September 22
A wild eep out of place and time Moofed at on September 15
I really should have that broken… Tinned on September 8
How does blue cheese go bad? Reposed on September 1
Pnårp’s August, 2024 stumping & thumping
A nipple that could nibble Nuzzled on August 25
Playing stupid Feathered on August 18
Endless rows of houses Planned and zoned on August 11
Musings on vinegar, vigor, and elephant bites Murderized on August 4
Pnårp’s July, 2024 jumping & slumping
Too many uncertainties Certified on July 28
Too many demands Commanded on July 21
Too many answers Declared on July 14
Too many questions Questioned on July 7
Pnårp’s June, 2024 mumping & umping
Back into the mud from whence Douched on June 30
So I didn’t want them anymore Feted on June 23
Things are looking up Uplit on June 16
Transfixed, perplexed, and duplexed Eased on June 9
Cows, cowboys, cowgirls, and so much mooing Milked on June 2
Pnårp’s May, 2024 frumping & grumping
Purple prose asphyxia Blockaded on May 26
One moron’s opinion Opined for May 19
Never put a fish in your car Wrapped on May 12
A masterful mañana-man Cunctated on May 5
Pnårp’s April, 2024 lumping & clumping
Nose, the best smelling device Stunk down on April 28
So many questions Trebled on April 21
The Sun absconded yet I rest assured Annulated on April 14
An antelope with a pair of cantaloupes Hight on April 7
Pnårp’s March, 2024 humping & dumping
The stench of failure Stunk up on March 31
A vernally hibernal good time Drove on March 24
There’s a joke in here somewhere Pedicured on March 17
The case of the windy toilet Manicured on March 10
Pig-headed and ham-fisted Cleaved on March 3
Pnårp’s February, 2024 pumping & dumping
Seven point three hundred Paltered on February 25
Pigs fly just fine Porked on February 18
Morning again? Mourned on February 11
Angry monkey syndrome, a dishdirtier Illustrated on February 4
Pnårp’s January, 2024 trumping & bumping
Watering the water clocks Watered on January 28
Shaken and stir crazy Swept on January 21
My life as a computer Computed on January 14
The tapering of taped cans and candies Canned on January 7
Pnårp’s December, 2023 testiclism & norpgodliness
The splaying of resplendent splendiferousness Cobbled together on December 31
Whitewalls, chromedomes, and an asshat with jingle bells Whitened on December 24
Invidy, diaeretics, and Eëtal-Otoh-Satt! Conjoined on December 17
A byte nybbled a word, and then… Nibbled on December 10
Snow crabs and snow leopards Piled up upon December 3
Pnårp’s November, 2023 scaphism & monaditism
Do better Retracted on November 26
A Sefernday to surely forget Sefernalized on November 19
A quacking bush Bushwhacked on November 12
Musings on the salad of chicken and eggs Emulsified on November 5
Pnårp’s October, 2023 flogging & squassation
Mulberries, mulbiaries, mubbleducks, and mubbliaries Trussed up on October 29
An oversized capybara, a staccato cadence Hobbled on October 22
A real nobody Fettered on October 15
A week of weekdays and their horrors Manacled on October 8
For want of a letterbox Shackled on October 1
Pnårp’s September, 2023 patrism & matrioscaphimetry
A bolo tie and a blogging accident Haberdashed on September 24
The Aroostook Roo Store Rued the day of September 17
By fish or by Finn Finished after September 10
Corn gone bacon and eggs Consterned on September 3
Pnårp’s August, 2023 orphanotrophies & catastrophes
Cwæþ the Pnårp Jactitated on August 27
Negotiating a goats-for-oats deal Abnegated on August 20
Dugongs, bleating, and a meowing Nurdlebutt Bellyached on August 13
Playing a katydid like a fiddle Diddled on August 6
Pnårp’s July, 2023 obsidian & jebusite
Rejecting both Church Latin and the Ciceronian Conjugated on July 30
A fresh set of gnome latrines Spun on July 23
Omental cakes and tires (or a blunch of underwear) Portended on July 16
Ratiocination and a rat Bugged off on July 9
Today I was being even more, more or less Been on July 2
Pnårp’s June, 2023 obolobolosity & spearmintliness
Dogs that ate backwards Reversed on June 25
Chicken dickin’ good! Kennedy-fried on June 18
Gearless largesse and rageless eelgrass Snorkeled on June 11
It doesn’t have to—but I always do Needn’t on June 4
Pnårp’s May, 2023 moribunditude & terwilligerism
Crap! Crabapple! Crapapple! Cursed on May 28
Crap! Carp! Scrap! Scarp! Sworn on May 21
Tuna surprise Surprised on May 14
Why fish don’t have feet Expiscated on May 7
Pnårp’s April, 2023 milestones & minestrone
A monolithic dump Pumped and dumped on April 30
A turtle extended its neck and quacked Resisted on April 23
Being a little bit taller Racked on April 16
Being six feet tall Fathomed on April 9
The unwary victim of cellular ennui Metabolized on April 2
Pnårp’s March, 2023 dorsiflexing & Dors Feline
Cities of obsidian in the Canadian Shield Dismantled on March 26
The day ended before it began Endorsed on March 19
To be a featureless white worm Gouged out on March 12
Landing head-first in March Made it on March 5
Pnårp’s February, 2023 dormfudditism & luddlanders
To catch a fly Lashed on February 26
My spaghetti trees had all flowered Disassembled on February 19
And the rest was history Revised for February 12
The house that Pnårp built Stacked like cordwood on February 5
Pnårp’s January, 2023 bersimilitude & merspicasity
A mystery of hasps and coat hangers Fastened on January 29
Thinking for myself Cerebrated on January 22
No more barriers to cross Surpassed on January 15
Feeling rather non-Euclidean Knotted on January 8
I am my thoughts… I am time Annuated on January 1
Pnårp’s December, 2022 mivonks & dren
A real galleyshnogger of a Christmas Dove in on December 25
Toppings on the bottom? Bottomed out on December 18
We were bipedal murder chickens Corned on December 11
Al Gore: A User’s Manual Peered at on December 4
Pnårp’s November, 2022 steaks & kidneys
Thanksgiving with the McBorbleys Thanks given on November 27
You are a crazy person Maddened on November 20
Change you can be leaf in Bogged down on November 13
With a ploot, ploot, ploot! Born on November 6
Pnårp’s October, 2022 brakes & stakes
A draught horse, serendipity, and a bankruptcy Forstraught on October 30
I wish my spoons were stronger Snooped on October 23
Autumn had arrived Floundered on October 16
The deep toaster Smeared on October 9
And then the flies danced Smelt on October 2
Pnårp’s September, 2022 Ravna & Tines
Yet still bereft of meaning Creamed on September 25
A veritable trash dump of words Whipped on September 18
“If” is the middle word in “life” Horrified on September 11
History looked at me this week Transported on September 4
Pnårp’s August, 2022 gulping & blowing
Pinguid penguins, disparate parrots, and a Studebaker Basted on August 28
On any given day Plotted and schemed on August 21
Catastrophes—but no anastrophe Mishappened on August 14
Up to my ass in alligators Endangered on August 7
Pnårp’s July, 2022 planning & zoning
Two halves of a bagel Misaligned on July 31
Squirrels, squeeorling, syrup of squill, and squee Cocked up on July 24
Tuck in flap to close Knocked up on July 17
Gnocco after gnocco Knocked on on July 10
The long, greasy road Lubed up on July 3
Pnårp’s June, 2022 eyes & ears
A stack of dictionaries, a goat, and the ensuing manure Stacked high on June 26
Wernicke, Broca, and a two-week, drug-fueled bender Refueled on June 19
Fleas, flies, and friars! Peddled on June 12
A squiddy meal, a goosey girl, and moles of gnomes Wriggled on June 5
Pnårp’s May, 2022 blunder & whitening
Dogging the Balphonse Hemidemisemiquavered on May 29
Miscounting the protons Demisemiquavered on May 22
Batting the package Semiquavered on May 15
Whittling the knittery Quavered on May 8
Flogging the dinosaur Flailed around on May 1
Pnårp’s April, 2022 thunder & lightning
A stubby little short week Trolloped around on April 24
An exaggeratedly long week Galloped about on April 17
A wanted carton of wontons Trotted out on April 10
A curious nine-day week Dialed on April 3
Pnårp’s March, 2022 dormfuddies & kookely-wangers
Seven point two hundred Committed on March 27
The twentieth best day of my life Easily understood on March 20
A hilarious pair of ducks Redpilled on March 13
The stars screamed at me, but why? Shredded on March 6
Pnårp’s February, 2022 breaking & entering
An arduous, odorous, ordurous affair Cannibalized on February 27
Interwoven threads of witless boobery Spiked on February 20
Three-eyed gnomes, a lighthouse, and a pair of feet Erred on February 13
Carpathian Carpentry Gnomes? In my kitchen? Hammered on February 6
Pnårp’s January, 2022 pipping & squeaking
The door slammed in my face Slammed on January 30
Hard avocados and soft stones Ripened on January 23
Confound delivery Starched on January 16
Nothing happened Obliviated on January 9
New years and new neighbors Bunted on January 2
Pnårp’s December, 2021 decks & halls
Collecting the caps from every bottle of light cream Collected before December 26
Vigorously shaking every Solanum dulcamara Vigorously shook before December 19
Vigorously shaking every ficus tree Shook before December 12
Shouting at every houseplant Shouted at before December 5
Pnårp’s November, 2021 turkeys & fixin’s
An adventure in Dingleberry–Dumpsterism Dumped and stirred on November 28
The Dingleberry–Hampsterist–Schmarnocks war Embattled on November 21
An out-of-place trashcan Recycled on November 14
A Halloween to surely forget Spooked before November 7
Pnårp’s October, 2021 ghasts & grues
To muffle up a gooſe Muffled up on October 31
A Sefernday to ſurely remember Obſerved on October 24
Plantago delenda est Planted on October 17
A lesson in poor metrication Found wanting on October 10
Dugong, budong, hotdog, and hoe Frowned at on October 3
Pnårp’s September, 2021 guttersnipes & ragamuffins
Excrescence and excreta Unfolded on September 26
Losing weight at the lost-and-found Bonked on September 19
The pink, sticky day ended Chaptered and versed on September 12
Wearing orange after Labor Day Fluoresced on September 5
Pnårp’s August, 2021 defenestration & diabolatry
And then I’ll fart one more time, and… Intruded upon August 29
And I still couldn’t find my comb Nosedove before August 22
To not be a six-foot-tall man–squirrel Squeeorled on August 15
Today I was being a… Squirreled on August 8
Time to draw the bull Ejaculated on August 1
Pnårp’s July, 2021 excalceation & podolatry
Not a typewriter Tabulated on July 25
Fish upon the land Phished on July 18
My arm just follows them Detached on July 11
An Independence Day to remember In the pants on July 4
Pnårp’s June, 2021 polyandrodactyly & monodigitocracy
To narfle the gömböc Balanced on June 27
Another day, another pig war Splined on June 20
José Vargas de las Joyas Matemáticas Divided by zero on June 13
An infinite pie Unbounded on June 6
Pnårp’s May, 2021 nuking & paving
Too many Sundays Quintupled on May 30
Great Dane or greatest Dane? Deigned on May 23
A dire problem of diphthongs and diacritics Ired on May 16
200,000 flip-flop–related injuries Discalceated on May 9
The Hanes–Heinz problem Caught up on May 2
Pnårp’s April, 2021 milquetoastery & mediocrity
Something breakfasty and sausage-like Baconated on April 25
Keeping those goats down in the hole Bored on April 18
From Commodus to Vespasian— Detruded on April 11
A costly, costive dilemma Clystered on April 4
Pnårp’s March, 2021 renaissance & puissance
An arpeggio for Snarpegon Spatchcocked on March 28
Maybe it was the location Tripped out on March 21
Toiling away smoilishly Toiled away on March 14
With a bubble and a squeak… Bubbled and squeaked on March 7
Pnårp’s December, 2012 wattle & daub
Christmas, goats, and the fiscal cliff Goat got on December 30
…The world ended Escheated before December 23
This coming Friday… Prognosticated after December 16
Mooey, mooey, moo! Lowed at on December 9
Horses, drugs, and some Volvos Revolved around December 2
Pnårp’s November, 2012 plaster & spackle
A paean to funnels Funneled on November 25
A parable that should explain everything Enchanted on November 18
Ungabungabugandabunga! Land-locked on November 11
The geese were angry Angered before November 4
Pnårp’s October, 2012 grousing & de-lousing
Ziti—with lines, please Lollygagged on October 28
As a bump on a log Bumped and logged on October 21
The nauga war Tanned on October 14
Meals and utensils and straws, oh my! Bluely rinsed on October 7
Pnårp’s September, 2012 seeping & tempering
In my own back yard Extirpated on September 30
Livin’ large in the large intestine Emboweled on September 23
Illin’ in the ileum Chillin’ on September 16
A sojourn through the jejunum Catabolized on September 9
The September that wouldn’t be Elided on September 2
Pnårp’s August, 2012 augering & gusting
My competitive worm charming days Vermiculated on August 26
When Saturday is Sunday Blown right past August 19
The turtle herds of insomnia NōDōz’d on August 12
Upon the Fimbriated Planet Flabbled about on August 5
Pnårp’s July, 2012 flag-waving & bugle-blowing
And the neckties writhed Spiraled around July 29
The ÅSS Goose from the Machine Bageled on July 22
Planet of the geese Honked at on July 15
Here I froze and here I died Dubstepped on July 8
A hortensical Sefernday Hortensed on July 1
Pnårp’s June, 2012 flushing & clogging
Fungous hitchhikers from outer space Rocketed on June 24
The Bagel Nebula, you stinky monkeys! Humped and dumped on June 17
I am the humperdumperdink! Dumped and dinked on June 10
My skin was thinking Considered for June 3
Pnårp’s May, 2012 frocking & defrocking
My neighbor—he’s on fire Detonated on May 27
The green apple bee-bop Hydrated on May 20
Hoarsely the Pnårp sang Horsed around on May 13
Vox clamantis in deserto Cheddared on May 6
Pnårp’s April, 2012 lolling & gagging
The death of Argo Navis Trisected before April 29
A lunchable lemony apple key Open-appled on April 22
A box! A box! A box of… Puttered about on April 15
Gurning for two Faces made before April 8
Surviving April Fools Day Foxholed on April 1
Pnårp’s March, 2012 goring & mauling
To order a coffee Caffeinated on March 25
Toad rental—cheap! Rented on March 18
Yup, still dead… Rotted around March 11
I was still dead… Putresced around March 4
Pnårp’s February, 2012 sneezing & coughing
I was dead Expired around February 26
Axons across beard-seconds of darkness Stretched out February 19
A Ho-Mg-Zn icosahedral quasicrystal Fractured on February 12
Seven point one hundred Released on February 5
Pnårp’s January, 2012 whirling & gigging
Thoughts diverging from reality Converging on January 29
Thoughts converging toward reality Diverging from January 22
And then the cold cuts danced Ronpauled on January 15
This entry is missing! Misplaced before January 8
Dreams in a hole in the ground Trespassed before January 1
Pnårp’s December, 2011 tidings & good cheer
A sleigh ride to the North Pole Kringled on December 25
A journey to Upper Silesia Gruelled on December 18
A sally to the Kremlin Red squared on December 11
A jaunt to Washington, D.C. Filibustered on December 4
Pnårp’s November, 2011 failure & bankruptcy
A trip to southern Moravia Plunged off a cliff on November 27
Goatburping and speechifying Blustered about before November 20
Grunting and squeaking in the goatburping park Soil sampled on November 13
Like a herd of turtles Frightened on November 6
Pnårp’s October, 2011 krill & Vril
Fimbriated armless and legless Charged on October 30
Quack! Quack! Quack, quack, quack!! Ducked on October 23
Schtumpfenfrumpt! Stumped on October 16
Squee! Squee! Squee! Snoozed on October 9
A snootful of donuts Imbibed before October 2
Pnårp’s September, 2011 Yvahk & furrfu
A paean to panic Glibbered about on September 25
Gnomes? In my photocopier? Litigated before September 18
Ten years Hijacked on September 11
The toadskin kazoo Toads skinned on September 4
Pnårp’s August, 2011 cifrection & bumples
Uneventful, boring, and bland Nothing happened on August 28
A stick of pepperoni a day Bordured on August 21
A skeezle-wumpus? In my cabinets? Marred on August 14
The day ended Gibbered about on August 7
Pnårp’s July, 2011 petaflops & petaglobs
Just shaving the dog Preened on July 31
Disgorgement and cheddar Squassated on July 24
The harooloos grew closer Repositioned on July 17
Impossibly shaped bowls Whiled away before July 10
Just so he could moo at someone Percolated on July 3
Pnårp’s June, 2011 dingleberries & chingleberries
The end of doodlewhacker pie Bloomed on June 26
Moobly Sefernday! Borndwiddied on June 19
What the heck… is bothering me? Chanted on June 12
Potted meat Unpotted on June 5
Pnårp’s May, 2011 buttwash & groinrinse
A discourse on shrieking Babbled about on May 29
Incipits being rather popish Lubricated on May 22
Reflecting on corn gone wrong Paroled on May 15
Today being Mamårp’s day Smothered on May 8
Hnnnngggghhhh! Strained on May 1
Pnårp’s April, 2011 Rebo & Zooty
Dyssynergic defecation Splashed down on April 24
The tight, grimacing face Impacted before April 17
Plårp and I did our best Potted on April 10
Sigmund Freud would be proud Electrified on April 3
Pnårp’s March, 2011 galoobery & granfalloonery
Cool beans Beaned on March 27
Rotating in place Caligulated on March 20
Pnårp.com! Crossing Pnårp Road on March 13
The hobnailery on Hobgoblin Street Borfnagled on March 6
Pnårp’s February, 2011 dark & stormy nights
A dark and Strommy night Thurmonned on February 27
A dark and spammy night LARTed on February 20
A dark and smarmy night Self-satisfied on February 13
A dark and stormy night Stormdrained on February 6
Pnårp’s January, 2011 bottlenecking & hosiery
Requiem for a triangular briefcase Immured on January 30
In feckless search of a new body Transplanted before January 23
The Christ-O-Mart on Crunkner Boulevard Transubstantiated before January 16
Dr. Unterguggenburgerheimer! Diagnosed on January 9
Fluffernutter… or treacle? Stickied on January 2
Pnårp’s December, 2010 piping & fitting
A vainglorious, hooting, tooting Christmas Clamored about on December 26
Happy birthday, Alyssa Milano! Feet worshipped on December 19
Back to Pam & Meg’s Goatmulched on December 12
An alabasterously magnificent find Found before December 5
Pnårp’s November, 2010 trinkets & doodads
375 gorillas and some flower pots Dumbstruck on November 28
Ravna and a tub of port wine cheese spread Slathered all over on November 21
Mr. Årp goes to city hall Carpetbagged on November 14
Oatmeal cookies… behind it all! Completely forgotten on November 7
Pnårp’s October, 2010 rotelle & spaghetti
A crater full of Volvos Hidden in ice for centuries on October 31
The frozen Pnårp Last thing I remembered on October 24
Harshbarger Memorial Hospital Discharged on October 17
Ollanthorpe Memorial Hospital Atrophied before October 10
Phbthphbthphbthphbththth! Flatulated on October 3
Pnårp’s September, 2010 Schmarnocks & Marklars
An offer he couldn’t refuse Unmitigated on September 26
Insidious flobcumber pie Perchanced upon on September 19
Skipping Wednesday Slid past on September 12
Parndiddle McForsterbaster Pinned up on September 5
Pnårp’s August, 2010 ankles & barefeet
Death by simultaneous drowning and dehydration Dumbled for August 29
Tater-totting crunkfire Clapped on… clapped off on August 22
The disastrous ballad of Monica Lewinski’s feet Shattered before August 15
Two stumblebums for Phillip Norbert Årp Stumbled around on August 8
Ah, the first of August! Firstly on August 1
Pnårp’s July, 2010 poesies & toesies
Poesies and toesies indeed! Tentacle-raped on July 25
Gnomes destroying my brain and kidneys Urinated on on July 18
Boom! Boom, boom, boom! Orbited on July 11
Noshing on my favorite keyboard Fluttered on July 4
Pnårp’s June, 2010 Broxholm & Kreeblim
Technicolor horse testicles Nuked on June 27
PNARP.SYS is an evil, vile thing Disinfected on June 20
Psycho Chicken With Fingers On Top! Squawked upon prior to June 13
Joyful Sefernday, everyone! Envisaged on June 6
Pnårp’s May, 2010 bangers & mash
Oh, the serendipity! Squelched through on May 30
Oh, the fendippity! Panicked over on May 23
A little pedicatio Irrumated on May 16
The fleeting nuances of Dingleberry–Hampsterism Guzzled on May 9
Thousands of Eggmen against one little Pnårp Destalinized on May 2
Pnårp’s April, 2010 bubble & squeak
The Fendippitous Eggmen Cracked open on April 25
I had eggs today! Oviposited on April 18
The fnord plan Executed before April 11
A plan is hatched Hatched right before April 4
Pnårp’s March, 2010 careening & howling
Ham by the brick Mechanically extracted on March 28
Dingleberry champion hamster Plotted against on March 21
A Hilarius pair of ducks Guffawed at after March 14
Return from the Brundlebeyond Disgorged on March 7
Pnårp’s August, 2008 mirroring & extruding
Stay spooned for more! Spooned on August 10
Into the Brundlesphere Descended upon on August 3
Pnårp’s July, 2008 squooshing & entwining
Through the tunnel Crossed over on July 27
The Brundlesphere Entangled on July 20
Kudzu and Miss Hewitt Integrated on July 13
Dog whelks in your arteries Derived on July 6
Pnårp’s June, 2008 diddling & fiddling
The perfunctory margin of disbelief, part II Reified on June 29
Crossing the hatches Pasteurized for June 22
Glick Glick van der Glick again! Cocked and blocked on June 15
Requiem for a haberdasher Eulogized on June 8
Glick Glick van der Glick Cocked and locked on June 1
Pnårp’s May, 2008 cramming & spamming
Ring above? Rung above on May 25
eBGIQ7ZuuiU or bust Gassed up on May 18
Quack! Quack! Quack!! Quackenbushed on May 11
Do, guppy, guppy! Guppied on May 4
Pnårp’s April, 2008 licking & sucking
Short and sweet! Sweetened on April 27
High… on life Hepped up on April 20
Dying planktonic foraminifera Rained down on April 13
Reign across America Wrought before April 6
Pnårp’s March, 2008 pinching & twisting
Alyssa Milano & the new adventures of Hitler Snickerdickered on March 30
Gra, trained assassin Unchained after March 23
The blaze continues unabated Immolated on March 16
Suddenly ablaze Ignited on March 9
Not so dead again Recomposed right before March 2
Pnårp’s February, 2008 whizzing & giggling
Dead again Decomposed after February 24
A whole pile of flapdoodles from Shitlingthorpe Recollected on February 17
A pox upon your whizgiggling! Avenged on February 10
A whiz and a giggle Whizgiggled at on February 3
Pnårp’s January, 2008 expanding & throbbing
Today is January 27 Punched on January 27
Gnomes? In my kettles? Nonsensed at January 20
Lo’ Kweeisha Pornographed on January 13
Bubble wrap and bubble butts Thawed on January 6
Pnårp’s December, 2007 zooting & suiting
Dead in a hole Deceased on December 30
Frozen in a hole Frostbit on December 23
In a hole Holed up on December 16
Spaceworthy guardsquirrels Decompressed on December 9
Free at last Self-addressed and stamped on December 2
Pnårp’s November, 2007 snuffling & scuffling
Aaaahhhh!! Whiffled on November 25
The one true goddess! Duffeled on November 18
There’s nothing in my head! Scuffled with on November 11
Snuffle off to Buffalo Sniffled at on November 4
Pnårp’s October, 2007 odds & ends
Strahazazhia smiles upon me Gone wrong on October 28
The deep blue face of failure Done wrong on October 21
Graceful as Loquisha’s soles Danced with on October 14
This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s spaceship Diseased prior to October 7
Pnårp’s September, 2007 numerology & fakery
Pnårp’s in space Station-kept on September 30
Why does the pi float? Floated by on September 23
Why do the stars scream? Screamed about on September 16
Under Pam & Meg’s Delved under on September 9
Grumfeld redux Simmered on September 2
Pnårp’s August, 2007 feldwebel & oberst
Indeed I can go home again Returned home on August 26
Dugongs abound in my ear canals! Tiled over on August 19
I did not forget about Hitler! Livingroomed on August 12
Plårp goes home Sent home on August 5
Pnårp’s July, 2007 borscht & bratwurst
Plårp, Plårp, Plårp! Lopped off on July 29
Plårp, Plårp! Popped up on July 22
Plårp! Plopped down on July 15
3,600 eigenserfs and a function key Indentured forever after July 8
The missing fourteenth key Lost before July 1
Pnårp’s June, 2007 midwives & alewives
Press any key Pressed on June 24
Paisley time Enslaved on June 17
Back to Harry’s Ingratiated on June 10
Ol’ Grummie’s back! Bungled up on June 3
Pnårp’s May, 2007 mea & culpa
Ravna and the gorillas Ravished on May 27
Ravna and a ligature Magic-marked on May 20
Squish-&-honk! Peppered lightly with May 13
Further visages of feet-&-toes Hieroticalized on May 6
Pnårp’s April, 2007 diuretics & calisthenics
Toe-visages on the Sefernday Splayed on April 29
Sleeping in the closet Lamented on April 22
The laws of Phillip I: Last decree Decreed on April 15
The laws of Phillip I: Homage Legislated on April 8
The laws of Phillip I: Taxes Propagated on April 1
Pnårp’s March, 2007 teenyboppers & estoppel
The laws of Phillip I Promulgated on March 25
The restive provinces conquered Excoriated before March 18
Eight years Anniversed four days before March 11
131,072 Schmongeloid conscripts Decimated on March 4
Pnårp’s February, 2007 Eratosthenes & Hippocrates
No one expects the Schmalkaldic League Vanquished on February 25
Digging up the back yard Cashed in on February 18
Shekels at the cat-canning plant Devoted on February 11
Alyssa Milano lives! Jury-rigged on February 4
Pnårp’s January, 2007 domesdays & bomb bays
Alyssa Milano v. Phillip Norbert Årp Entrenched under January 28
Phillip Norbert Årp v. Alyssa Milano’s Feet Machine-gunned on January 21
Suing Alyssa Milano Bombarded after January 14
Music erupted from my bed cushions again Strafed on January 7
Pnårp’s December, 2006 wrenches & wenches
Fort Flabberwocky was a myth! Auld acquaintances forgotten on December 31
’Twas the night before Christmas Prostituted on December 24
The Spend-O-Mart on Crunkner Boulevard Drenched in sweat on December 17
The Great Fluffernutter Deluge of ’58 Whored out on December 10
Bloviating and brachiating Wrenched away from me on December 3
Pnårp’s November, 2006 expostulations & hypotheticals
Britney Spears… or Jennifer Love Hewitt? Rigorously proved for November 26
I forgot about Hitler again… Posited because of November 19
A busjacking by Jack Off Jill? Theorized about on November 12
Jacking off Jill to a squirrel-fox-dingo Hypothesized on November 5
Pnårp’s October, 2006 ensmallening & prominence
Loquisha, you hornswoggler! Added to taste on October 29
Mesothelioma in a drainage ditch Stir-fried for October 22
Gnomelandia Day Filleted on October 15
The Third Coming Chopped lightly on October 8
Ollanthorpe Savings Bank Puréed on October 1
Pnårp’s September, 2006 embiggening & cromulence
I remembered a lot this week! Chopped with a stick on September 24
Terrorists! Terrorists!! Sporked with some tongs on September 17
Haldûrburðgar, Lord and Emperor Knifed with a spoon on September 10
Attacked by tadpoles! Stabbed with a fork on September 3
Pnårp’s August, 2006 fecklessness & stipples
Busy: Ankle-crawling kudzu Toddled about on August 27
Busy: A whole flock of geese Goosed before August 20
As kudzu crept up her ankles Encircled on August 13
Incipient garden gnomes pouring down again Wined & dined on August 6
Pnårp’s July, 2006 tentacles & manacles
New Gardegnomia Navigated to on July 30
Burkina Faso encased in pie Tortured on July 23
A disastrous pie-eating contest Drawn and quartered on July 16
No dice Gambled over on July 9
This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s ship Appeased prior to July 2
Pnårp’s June, 2006 fenders & benders
Gormless bastard! Located to the right of June 25
Captain Pinnfarb explains it all Positioned left of June 18
The wall gong exhibition Molested on June 11
A cock-up, to be sure Erected on June 4
Pnårp’s May, 2006 henpecks & viscosity
I thought this was better!? Harvested before May 28
Oatmeal cookies and their spies Weeded on May 21
I still don’t trust these cookies… Hollered well before May 14
My oatmeal cookies Surveilled pursuant to May 7
Pnårp’s April, 2006 mind-boggling & hornswoggling
The dingleberry/hamster song Sung for April 30
Pam & Meg’s Wheeled about on April 23
The Englebee Troobles live! Transubstantiated on April 16
Hornswoggled, I tell you! Connived on April 9
My new neighbor from Georgia Nazified on April 2
Pnårp’s March, 2006 ham & eggs
The haberdashery, act IV Wanted on March 26
The haberdashery, act III Haunted on March 19
The haberdashery, act II Flaunted on March 12
The haberdashery, act I Taunted on March 5
Pnårp’s February, 2006 spoonerisms & philately
Ham and eggs, a dram of megs Hammed up for February 26
I need a new hobby Telephoned on February 19
A pastry on both your houses! Made peace with on February 12
Hobnobbishly bamboozled, she said Interrupted before February 5
Pnårp’s January, 2006 hotdogs & warthogs
Busy this week too! Put out on January 29
Busy this week! Placed next to January 22
She isn’t dead! Copulated after January 15
Schmongeling Gnomes from Westphalia? Schmongeled under January 8
368,000 firecrackers and a butcher shop Tarpapered over on January 1
Pnårp’s December, 2005 dirigibles & submersibles
Today being Christmas… Made merry on December 25
The perfect symmetry of a letter Excreted slightly before December 18
Shitlingthorpe–Alabaster Flapdoodles Zanzibarred on December 11
Thaddeus C.L. Harshbarger, the haberdasher Belted out on December 4
Pnårp’s November, 2005 blatherskite & twaddle
Dingleberry, hamster! Cornpuffed for November 27
My house burned down today Incinerated on November 20
Stewing in my own juices Brewed on November 13
A visit to Eigentoria Emigrated on November 6
Pnårp’s October, 2005 fiddlesticks & corpulence
I shall visit Eigentoria Bandied about on October 30
The thick, meaty center of an eigenfactor Ridiculed on October 23
Caught in a wet noodling contest Noodled on October 16
The lawn gnomes prance! Gingerbreaded on October 9
Saturday was the worst Hobnobbed on October 2
Pnårp’s September, 2005 lollygagging & philandering
The return of the garden gnomes Star-spangled high above September 25
The return of Grårp Cordoned off on September 18
Abortifacient skies, the burning air Slobbered all over on September 11
Engelby Trouble? Prevaricated on September 4
Pnårp’s August, 2005 rippin’ & snortin’
Spruce mustard and bouillabaisse Trundled on August 28
I’m ending it all! Spindled on August 21
Blast you all Best if used by August 14
Troobles, long and hard Deluged on August 7
Pnårp’s July, 2005 hobgoblins & flapdoodles
Soft, and steaming lightly Castigated on July 31
The perspicacious side of the planet Wienerschnitzeled on July 24
Umph… plurgh… splat! Beautified on July 17
Bowdlerization! Bowdlerized on July 10
I slithered blithely out the door Fetishized on July 3
Pnårp’s June, 2005 horsefeathers & flunkery
A gaggle of garden gnomes Engulfed on June 26
Incipient garden gnomes pouring down Shined & enshrined on June 19
What an Englebee Trooble is Incarcerated on June 12
Zero-factor linguistics Laughed about within June 5
Pnårp’s May, 2005 endoscopy & parallelism
The Magic Oreo Machine™ Played footsie with on May 29
Eigenfactor Given to charity prior to May 22
Into the midst of a gorilla and yak pack Made in Taiwan, R.O.C., before May 15
Naked with soda bottles in my ears Redistributed after May 8
Fell in a pit (again) Masticated on May 1
Pnårp’s April, 2005 wheeling & dealing
Music erupted from my bed cushions Cosigned on April 24
The Trooble Foundation Irked on April 17
I saw an iMac, a greenish-blue flavored one Popularized for April 10
I was mad Optimized for April 3
Pnårp’s March, 2005 sagacity & hierarchy
I desire broadband access to my feet! Quibbled about on March 27
Guhhhh noooobity fahhhh foooogity!!! Squabbled about on March 20
My dear brother Grårp! Crucified for March 13
Samuel Dreckers Carbonized prior to March 6
Pnårp’s February, 2005 brewing & stewing
Contemplating the Spice Girls Best if sold by February 27
Alyssa Milano still has very cute feet Reeducated on February 20
Briefcase! Gatorade!! Fudged up against February 13
100% guaranteed Bamboozled on February 6
Pnårp’s January, 2005 whinin’ & complainin’
The Troobles exist… Inoculated on January 30
Curse inflatable hotdogs Expurgated on January 23
Pnårp’s November, 1999 insanity & incontinence
Aaaahhh!! Vindicated and tabulated on November 7
Pnårp’s October, 1999 bobbles & baubles
Searching forever for the elusive Troobles Squandered because of October 31
The stars scream at me louder than ever!! Suspended from October 24
I had failed Hidden above my bed on October 17
Fight the future Hidden under my bed on October 10
I forgot about Hitler Plundered shortly after October 3
Pnårp’s September, 1999 standard & poor
A brass knob had fallen on my head Belched out on September 26
The Countess-Prelate von Sträsmussenbörg Bleeped out for September 19
Someone accused me of screwing a pheasant Remixed before September 12
Without a tongue or a penis Reticulated and sun-dried on September 5
Pnårp’s August, 1999 scenery & greenery
It gets hot in Afghanistani prisons Given to my daughter on August 29
No kind of Trooble infatuates anyone Fondled on August 22
The talking, squawking camel Reinstated on August 15
The Englebee Troobles Pondered upon August 8
I love AOL Placated since August 1
Pnårp’s July, 1999 squeaks & squawks
Mister Ollanthorpe von Sträsmussenbörg Encapsulated within July 25
Is there an underdog in you? Nitrated on July 18
Dead Abolished after July 11
The flying pi returned Complicated because of July 4
Pnårp’s June, 1999 fenestration & haberdashery
I have nothing to write today Repatriated on June 27
I took the AK-47 down Romanticized for June 20
The triangular briefcase I had found Reintegrated on June 13
The spiders began to sing and chant Refracted after June 6
Pnårp’s May, 1999 sticks & stones
Hypoglycemia and digititis have no sway over me Intubated on May 30
I found a scrap of paper in my pocket Rebutted on May 23
Dangerous evidence kept cropping up Regurgitated prior to May 16
The perfunctory margin of disbelief Apprenticed to May 9
Semper sic tyrannis Calculated and compiled on May 2
Pnårp’s April, 1999 piffle & babble
In the ground underneath my house Drawn up for April 25
A glass was sitting on my desk Cemented on April 18
Am I lost!? Am I low on oil!? Hydrogenated for April 11
The man who talked way too much Splattered on April 4
Pnårp’s March, 1999 doodles & poodles
I continued my search for the Englebee Troobles Posted for March 28
The seventeenth best day of my life Dissipated before March 21
I took the pile of animal feces out of my garage Electrolyzed for March 14
The stars scream at me, but why? Conduced on March 7