Too many uncertainties
Certified on July 28, 2024.
I am uncertain if I should use shampoo and conditioner. I am confused if my groinrinse contains any conditioner. I wonder if my buttwash contains conditioner, too. I have no idea if I should use any toothpaste down there, too. I don’t know if there are any teeth down there. I am unsure if I have any teeth anywhere below my chin. But I am sure that I have at least a dozen teeth in my mouth! And I am absolutely certain that none of them are mine!
I am uncertain if my oatmeal cookies are still conspiring to murder me. I am confused if the gnomes are still lurking in my wainscoting. I wonder if that deadly skeezle-wumpus is still ensconced in my over-stove cabinet. I have no idea if my ceiling clock is still waving its hands at me. I don’t know if the goats are still burping up a storm in the goatburping park. I am unsure if my potted flowers still want to pummel me to death. But I am sure that the goldenrod and azaleas would never try to murder me! And I am absolutely certain that the Schmarnocks flowers would if they could!
I am uncertain if groinrinse is good for washing anything other than groins. I am confused if buttwash is good for washing anything other than butts. I wonder if groinrinse or buttwash would make a cool, refreshing drink on a hot day. I have no idea if all these hot days are caused by global warming, global barming, or global buttwarming. I don’t know if I have an even number of nose hairs. I am unsure if I have an odd number of nose hairs, too. But I am sure that I have exactly 717,000,818 hairs on my head! And I am absolutely certain that none of them are mine!
I am uncertain if the Westphalian Schmongeling Gnomes still schmongel me in my sleep. I am confused if the Bavarian White-Tailed Gnomes still hide in my wainscoting—or if they are Bohemian Tunnelling Gnomes. I wonder if Himalayan Varnishing Gnomes still live under the goatburping park. I have no idea if Athabascan Wreathing Gnomes can outschmongel (or outwreath) Westphalian Schmongeling Gnomes. I don’t know if Manitoban Mantle-Needle Gnomes can outneedle them. I am unsure if those Pomeranian Plumbing Gnomes have built more gnome latrines in my back yard. But I am sure that there are too many gnomes gnoming about my palatial abode and its curtilage! And I am absolutely certain that nothing can stop their wheedling and needling!
I am uncertain if… Oh, no!
I am confused if… Oh, no—not again!!
I wonder if… It’s back!
I have no idea if… It’s back again!
I don’t know if… It’s moving! It’s moving! It’s coming straight for me!
I am unsure if… Oh doG, no! It’s coming through the walls!!
But I am sure that… It’s coming through the floor!!
And I am absolutely certain that we’re all doomed! Doomed!!