Cheez-Its: ghastly horrors
Ghastled March 2, 2025.
On Monday, I found myself eating an entire box of Cheez-Its, heedless to the ghastly horrors that would ensue the next morning atop the toilet.
On Tuesday, I found myself eating an entire 32-ounce block of orange cheddar cheese. I have never understood why they paint cheese orange here. But this reversed things nicely.
On Wednesday, I found myself eating an entire №10 can of beans, each bean painted a bright orange. I have never understood why before eating them, I am compelled to paint each one a bright orange. But this reversed things horribly.
Thursday brought back memories of my dear sister Plårp hiding spiders in my underwear drawer when I was twelve years old. What would bring back such memories, you ask? Finding an 18″-long camel spider taking up residence in my underwear drawer would, for one.
Which isn’t what happened. It was a tiny, ¼″ jumping spider, and I found it sitting atop my manual alarm clock. Then it jumped on me and I passed out. This brought us to Friday.
Friday brought me a dream wherein Becasue, Plårp, and Mlårp all took turns force-feeding me Cheez-Its while barefoot. I felt as if I would burst, but knew I couldn’t. Melted orange cheddar dripped down the walls. Everything was orange—except the oranges, which had turned green and fuzzy with age. Plårp’s spiders looked on and tittered like only arachnids can. I groaned and swallowed more Cheez-Its.
This brought us to Saturday, where the week ended abruptly.